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Woodie cousin and Internet

My cousin was a dropout Woodie overweight in its first 40 years living in a trailer park in the U.S.. He never married and was often unemployed. He was a smart guy, but somewhat unhinged. Usually keeps himself so few people in the park has seen it all. Definitely heard, however, in the morning so that he liked to burst into song, like making up any word you do not know:

Jo Jo was a man before she was a woman, but it was another man.

Michelle ma belle, some say monkeys play piano, ma belle Michelle.

Anyone listening to Beatles fans who have found it very irritating. I know I would.

Woodie liked to show off his collection of foreign journals exotic hid in a shoe box in his lair, when his mother called all year. He also held a train, ordered a large amount of glue model plane and wrote bad poetry. Although I had not seen for several years, he mailed me regularly. His main contact with the world outside, however, was through the Internet where pseudonyms are used and dubious sent up or lampooned internet forums.

On a forum for parents, reported that an anxious parent, to his horror, he found her smoking 13yr daughter. Among the useful suggestions from members and answers have been found Trailertrash asked if she was just hanging out with bikers or smoking in front of their children. Another parent, who asked how to know if his son was gay, he was given several suggestions, such as "The audition for the role of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, is a good clue." and "Using an ear ring does not mean he's gay, but they are few players probably help you. "

In a medical forum, Trousersnake, sympathized with those who suffer loss of libido, but describes in detail how the offending medication (Lyrica) was having the opposite effect on him. He made it sound like bragging.

A ship bound for Africa missionary was locked up awaiting repairs in Newcastle, England. Eager to sail, the crew unleash their frustration through various blogs, the lack Progress in the shipyard. Like Trinidad, Woodie said the good people that as the ship probably always the only form of employment in that city, was never allowed out. In these circumstances, consider who dedicate their lives to converting the natives to Christianity. His suggestion was not well received.

Visit a forum Sailing RN as Captain Bligh, who published the design of a device of self-government that seemed very real, but it was utter nonsense. Several hundred members of the device made and, oddly enough, some said it worked. An unfortunate sailor used in a crossing of the Pacific to Hawaii and never heard from again. Woodie annoying much, but overcame it after a beer or two.

By the way, if you are a member of the international forum PrayForMe, Repentant delete from the list of people they need your help. Like most of us have worried Woodie stock market but does not require divine intervention in the choice of investments. It is unlikely to have spent much time praying for her ailing mother. Oh to be generous brothers and sisters, and find a place in their hearts to forgive him.

And if it happens through any of their suggestions to evade speeding tickets or income tax, I would suggest to ignore them. At that time, some were quite promising, but all the gaps have closed tightly. Try to pray instead.

Childhood

Although it was rather afraid of her Mom, Woodie was very loyal to her. In fact, when she was transferred to the infirmary, who visited the prison every month. He once told me that when a child entered a talent show and sang a sentimental song he had heard on the radio:

M is for the million things she gave me

Or is it just aging

T is for the tears she shed to save me

H is for your heart of pure gold is shining his eyes forever

R is right and right that will always be

Put them all together spell MOTHER

A word that means a lot to me.

While the audience laughing and the judge, Woodie was at the stage of confusion. Why are you laughing at their best song? Then, trying to contain his joy, a judge in older up and shouted:

Put them all together, spells Mother. A word that makes no sense to me!

The audience collapsed in convulsions and Woodie fled the scene in tears. That was the end of his brief career in show business. When her mother told me this, she kept laughing and said "small bug must have taken a bow. Could have won. "

Brothers? Yes, two older sisters. As children, I believe that fond of him, but he had a rare form of prove it. He once said he had a twin brother named Forrest. He was very excited and asked where his twin brother. Who offered to show him. "Do I have to wear shoes?" He asked. 'No,' they replied, "Come in her bare feet." He followed them to the bottom of the garden where he showed great mound of earth. Forrest, our dear brother is buried down there, "whispered sadly, and then ran laughing in the field of pig. I think it affected him badly. Two years later, dug up the mound to show it was empty and he stopped wetting the bed.

Education

The world of education was not always kind to Woodie. On his first day, the teacher told the children they would do a picture of something they liked. He handed a paper and crayons and children with enthusiasm to the task. When they had finished, he told them to put their names in their drawings and hand so he could score. Woodie, who brought a very good image jet, his dog, waiting with anticipation as the teacher looked at the various works of art. She then showed them individually to the class and it was clear that the quality of the artwork was gradually improving, while working through the stack. Finally, came the last drawing, and just had to Woodie be. "Now look carefully, the children," she ordered. To the delight of Woodie, who took the sketch of his beloved Squirts in front of the class. Then, to his horror, he tore the picture into several pieces. "This is what happens when you do not put your name on your work."

Some years ago I asked if he had seen his father and said she had seen him only once. His pa had appeared on a motorcycle outside the educational institution where Woodie is being reformed and asked permission to spend a couple of hours with your child. After a lecture to emergency personnel, permission was granted and, with Woodie precariously on the rear seat, which roared together in the desert. Later, leaning against a rock and enjoy a joint, this relative long lost stared at his son for a while and then offered some words of wisdom. "Hey kid," he said, "Every time you put nervous, take several deep breaths to calm down. It always works with me. Woodie thanked him for the fatherly advice, but thought I would have preferred a helmet. With dusk falling, ran back to school. As the doors closed behind him, Woodie turned and saw his father disappear into the sunset in a cloud of smoke. That was the last I saw of him. Woodie I asked what his father looked like. "I do not know," he replied, "He never had his glasses off.

Romance

Woodie was never very confident and comfortable with the girls. His mother once told me that any decent girl would be hard-pressed to romantic look for an association with his son, but those were not his exact words. He, however, has a Brazilian friend called Lidjaine pen. He was learning English at the time, and after an exchange of letters, sent a lovely poem he had written.

A Lidjaine

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine

With his long flowing mane

and two eyes like I put my heart on fire.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine

I know that is not to blame

But one thing seems a little crazy.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine

I think it's a shame

If your parents did not call it by another name.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine

Oh please, can you explain

How do you pronounce your name awkward looking?

Oh, Lidjaine! Lidjaine! Lidjaine!

She never said it was a shame because I got good grades in English. For several years he kept a picture of her fading stuck in his den next to the letter from Prince Charles (yes, living in London, England). More on that later.

Woodie never married and is probably best. A few years ago, was asked to help as Santa in the staff Christmas party Animal Farm Wastewater, where he worked as an inspector of sewers. With your fingers tattooed and wild hair, the children approached him with some suspicion collect their gifts. One of their cries of greeting was "Hello and when your mom out of jail?" For those who dared to reply that the mother was not in jail yelled "That's great news! So they let out in time for Christmas! The following year he hired a professional actor for this role.

Now, I do not think that Woodie had no friends. On the contrary, had a bunch of them and probably still do. He began to publish images, were taken from him as a child, in places with names like cuteboylinks or beautifuladz. When he was twelve, I would say it looked like a version thumbnail Elton John, but looked quite nice. His paintings seem to generate enough traffic. He found the hilarious attention, if not flattering, and I sent some of the comments that had been published as "this child's real cute!" or "Do you have more of this angel?". It kept a record of comments and found that the most frequent requests were pictures of him shirtless. Yes, I was surprised too. Well, I have no pictures of that and if there was in the old family album, I would not leave. When he started signing his emails with Hübsch Junge, I realized it had established an international following. To my knowledge, the images are still spinning away in cyberspace and attracting a lot of new fans. At this point, it's probably the kid of the month gorgeousyoungsweetguys.blogspot

The songwriter

Despite his failure as a young singer Woodie never abandoned his dream of becoming a famous composer. From time to time, sent me the lyrics of songs he had written and I asked to put a song for them. I got tired of it and kept sending the same melody, but was too busy writing Woodie new letters to be account.

I think he must have written over 300 songs. The last one I sent was entitled Try, Try, Try Again. seemed appropriate. He liked to write country songs with lyrics like: Marriage is tomorrow but tonight is the honeymoon!, she stole my heart, my hat and my horse, etc. I just sent to lie here a number of well-known country singers, but his agents ignored. Personally, I found quite disturbing. Here's the chorus:

I a man with my wife

I see a man living my life

I see a man with my girl

If had a gun he had burst into hell.

But I'll just be here alone

I'll be here on my own

I'll be out here in the city

I just found here – six feet below.

Lovers animals have not shown the letters to bring your dog to the right. It only takes a verse to see why:

Oh, I love my dog to pieces

To really cure the sadness

But a kick in the ass every time I think

Its disaster stuck in my shoe.

Inventions

Now there was a theme close to the heart of Woodie, if not his brain. Some belief ruined their ideas, but can take in one day. For example, developed an air bag for use with a motorcycle (too late to travel in the desert) and there was the car that could be driven from the back seat. His other major contribution to road safety is a sharp steel spike stuck in the middle of a wheel and points the heart of the driver. It was almost as bad as your own tattoo machine. Much less risky, was the chair sideways to use as a training medium for healing dizziness. Then there was the harmonica was played in a gust of wind. Another project involving homemade fireworks. With a recipe for explosives found on the Internet, a hat designed to fire rockets and it showed in Halloween. Despite Woodie lost most of his hair, neighbors consider hat a success. He blamed the confusing instructions – some of which were in Arabic. I also remember the cage baby bed that was something the parents can used to protect their infants in bed. If one or both parents turned to junior, the bars of the cage were strong enough to withstand the weight of two adults obese. As I said before, it was probably better than the children's father.

The explosion was not the only time Woodie diced with danger. Stumbled prohibited in the castle or something, a forum for celebrating the beauty of the models and starlets. The type of forum where kids sad after things like "OMG I love her and want to marry her one day! "Woodie added comments like" Well, I just want to come to my studio and play with my composition. " or "Hey, she looks like my favorite niece, Jolene". When he told me about this, I hit the ceiling. I told him to stay away from those things. Just do not know Who is on these sites. The Internet is a dangerous place, even for teens who own a train and mean what they say. Now that I think, I do not remember a niece called Jolene.

Months later, still hanging on the walls of the castle. There was a sort of club of fans of the original Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and told members prefer to have an affair with Toto, her dog, but those were not his exact words. He threw out the forum.

Earlier, I mentioned a letter Prince Charles. In fact, the letter came from personal assistant to the prince, but had the correct address on it and all the trimmings. It seemed few years Prince Charles had an accident. Maybe it was playing polo or involved in some kind of horse game, but spent the night in a hospital service National Health. This was a modest target of the wounded physician-to-be king, but who cares with great skill and the story was picked up by the international press. Woodie is the idea that it was a public institution that provides very basic medical care to the indigent, and some people in the UK would agree. He wrote a letter to Prince Charles expressed his sympathy for the injury and suggesting that took something out of Blue Cross health insurance. The return letter thanked him for his concern and assured him that the Prince had fully recovered. Woodie was very proud of that letter. As discussed below, may have been his first, but not his last contact with royalty.

Woodie seafarers

For someone who had probably never seen the sea, Woodie was very interested in boats and was delighted when I sent her a romantic picture of the SS, a bucket of rust that I had worked.

One day, he took the photo where you got stuck under his beloved Lidjaine and, once scanned, started to mess around with Photoshop. Altering the mast, extended the funnel adds some extra portholes, disguised the name and then published in an international forum for boat lovers. As Neptune, asked forum members to help him identify and apply their knowledge and skills necessary for this task with great enthusiasm. The nationality of the ship has been much discussion and, according to experts, was owned by several of Norway, Israel, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Poland. One member insisted that he could see a Star of David in the funnel, while another member stressed that the model was caused by radio antennas. The two became very argumentative on this point and had to be restrained by a moderator. Asked to describe where photo was taken, Woodie said he had seen the mystery ship in Antarctica. Excited by the news, experts embarked on another line of research, but one that only led to more arguments.

By the time the subject had clocked up 2,500 visitors, Woodie decided to drop anchor. He returned to his original and replaced after the real fake photo. The arguments that rolled in a few days and then someone new to the subject asked what all the fuss is question. In his opinion it was perfectly obvious to any fool that the ship was the SS romantic, the name was clearly painted on the bow. Some of the self-proclaimed experts were angry and demanded the immediate expulsion of Neptune. One member was particularly angry because he had paid injured a laboratory to work on the picture to disclose the name of the ship. When crossing the Australian desert to make their car had broken down and had to go for a walk a couple of days before being rescued.

After this, Woodie tried to spread an urban myth in which the government had blocked publication of a report comparing the personalities of criminals and police. In a study of many different traits, no significant differences between the two populations were discovered. Now Can you imagine that anyone could believe such a thing?
In recent months, several forums the police continued to receive prescriptions for a Yobbocop fritters true. I asked him what he had against police, but he only answered, "Well, I never met one who did not want to leave."

As Trailerskunk, soon tired of asking junkie sites where could get some suppositories pot 'I need a bullet-shaped preparation that I can place where the sun does not shine and the police will not be. "Some of his irritation, found that this type of product really exists and came highly recommended, which took the wind from the sails. Later, as IllegalAlien presented the UFO sightings to the National Information Center. "Driving north on I-440, I saw in the night sky of a cigar-shaped object with a long row of windows and flashing lights to descend to earth. They landed in a field east of Little Rock. Nobody seemed to realize that this event occurs around 150 times a day in Little Rock, but he was beginning to lose interest. Then the Nigerian scammers came into your computer and must have lived to regret it.

Scammers

As most people who use the Internet, Woodie had its fair share of fraudulent emails, especially the kind that appears in the inbox and say things like:

My dear friend is with the heart of hope that I am writing to request your help in the context below. I Genza Munga, the first son of the late MKO Munga, a philanthropist and the winner of the alleged June 12, 1993 presidential election, who died Gen custody Obanithe Inje former military president of the Democratic Republic of Nigeria. I know you will be amazed at how he came to his contact, but was after a careful search through my files I saw your late father contact, I have no doubt of his willingness to help me at the reception in their custody (of safety) the sum of forty-eight million dollars, five thousand U.S. dollars (U.S. $ 48.5 meters) and will deposited for me by my late father. ……… And so on.

I had several ways to deal with these requests. One was the creation of an e-mail that included the sender's name. Therefore, in the above example would become genzamunga@whatever.com and rebuke the sender by the theft of two his name and scam. He threatened to send in the heavy mob, "I know that you are hiding, the snake in the grass. At other times, however, he would agree to collect housing dollars, or family jewels personally and bring the release rate of $ 1000 in cash.

A spin-off of these fraudulent emails to increase their geographical knowledge of the world without leaving the very large trailer. He became very knowledgeable about the countries of Africa, Holland, and the streets of Amsterdam, in particular. They often took the trouble to investigate the costs and time of flights from New York to Amsterdam. Naturally, one would expect a driver and car to meet at the airport and the driver had to hold a large card with the word Squirts on it. Chorro, of course, was long dead. But never Woodie Forgotten your only true friend. In carrying out their scams, usually selects the event he describes as follows:

Go to the bar Amnesia on Herengracht. Music is not the worst, but the coffee is good and the other clients will be too busy enjoying the smoke says. I was carrying a box violin vacuum that can be thrown into a nearby canal, if we have to go elsewhere to talk business. See you at the table by the entrance to the bathroom.

He said that sometimes he managed to arrange meetings with several different scammers at once and sat in his trailer imagine them all making their way through the smoke to sit in the same table at the entrance to the bathroom. I knew he was involved with this kind of nonsense, because he had begun to introduce some phrases in the emails sent me phrases he had learned from his friends, such as:

"Thank you and God bless you and Please, my greetings to your family. "

"What's happening?"

"Anyway, my friend."

Then came the fateful day when the queen entered cyberspace Woodie Shonekan. It was the usual type of scam with the promise of $ 9 million deposited by her late father (the country's first interim president) in a South African Bank. At first I played all the usual tricks to lose time and was honored for his quaint spelling, massage, for example instead of message. "O queen, how do I look forward to your next massage." With the help of a calendar airways flight encountered a that sounded plausible: SAA235 to Johannesburg, arriving September 6 at 7.25 am local time. He apologized for his early arrival – deliberately scheduled for the middle of rush hour more active in Africa. Both to his surprise, the queen will Shonekan booked into the Hotel Lodge Road, not far from the airport and given a reservation number. By curiosity, Woodie check book and found it to be genuine. But of course, he was still at home in his trailer when its driver and his assistant appeared at the airport to welcome him. Shonekan Queen began to panic:

I am writing to ask what is really going on. Did not appear. He even sent a massage to you. Kindly reply to ease my mind. I'm waiting in the hotel Lodge Road and I am so worried. Please do not destroy my life and future.

A massage after, sorry, the message, Woodie said that his driver and assistant were arrested at the airport and was in serious trouble. It was here that he began to feel guilty Woodie. His excuse for missing the flight was a lame, but the queen was swallowed. Then I wrote some ideas on how escape the building and avoid being captured by the South African police. Finally, we received the good news that he had taken up his suggestion of hiding in a dumpster, so it means that had been transported for free, non-industrial to an end far from the center of the city. After that, began exchanging messages, and even the occasional photo. Undoubtedly, the queen Shonekan was an attractive woman and soon replaced the picture on the wall Lidjaine his lair.

When Woodie told me all this, he urged to be cautious Shonekan Queen can not be a genuine female monarch. Indeed, it could become a man of six feet weighing 180 pounds, who moonlighted as a bodyguard when he was sitting in an internet cafe. But to no avail, I was hooked, and even e-mails suddenly stopped, did not speak anything other than the Queen of Africa. He even wrote to his mother and asked her to talk sense into him, but the response I received was a shock. Woodie had disappeared from the mobile home park and no one knew his whereabouts. I could not believe he had gone to South Africa to be with the Queen Shonekan, but there was always a chance he had. Was a complete mystery.

So the months passed and there was no word of Woodie. Then, while visiting friends in the U.S., I happened to pass the mobile home park where he lived and was in an old, sitting on a bench in the sun, said Woodie trailer, now occupied by another family. I asked if she remembered my cousin. 'Remember? "He replied:" I will never forget. Sure as hell that boy was connected to the moon. Most people around here avoided it, but it scares me. About a year ago, only one night and never returned. Africa was a lady with him. Women look good too. I do not know what was in it, but it takes all kinds.

We sat there sharing a beer and watching people doing their job in the park. "It's not the only person who has been here looking for him," he continued. I asked him what the other visitor appeared. "There is a visitor," he replied, "A whole damn bunch of them. The police cars all over the place, agents special trees, loud hailers, guns on the list. I was afraid of my mind! We had guys from the Drugs Squad, the IRS Protection Agency child, the immigration service. Whatever, they were there. In fact, before it was discovered that he had left, they were arguing about who was going to take away. Do you know that Woodie had a little train? After you register your trailer, some of them sat outside playing with him. The others were going through a big pile magazine and it took them a long time. I guess there was something hidden there. The two guys from the IRS kept smelling some cans. I'll never know what that kid was doing, but were not legal. "

As we left the trailer park in the afternoon, I felt a warm glow inside. Cruising down the highway, that broke out in a Bob Dylan song, was a favorite of Woodie:

"The ants are my friends, are blowing in the wind

The ants are blowing in the wind. "

Woodie, if he ever reads this, I wish you and your African Queen well. Having a long and happy life together. I have to send another email. In fact, I would be happy if you never touch another computer or surf the Internet again.

About the Author

Tony Crowley  March 2009  See wiki

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