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Hoaxing Internet: My cousin Woodie

Hoaxing Internet: My cousin Woodie

By Tony Crowley

My cousin Woodie was dropping excess weight school in its first 40 years living in a trailer park in the U.S.. He never married and was often unemployed. He was a smart man, but a little unhinged. In general, who himself remained so few people in the park never saw it all. Certainly, however listened to in the morning he liked to sing, making up only I did not know any word:

Jo Jo was a man before she was a woman, but it was another man.
Michelle ma belle, some say monkeys and playing the piano, my beautiful Michelle.
Beatles fans who have found particularly annoying. I know I would.

Woodie liked to boast about their library exotic foreign magazines that he hid in a shoe box in his lair, when his mother called all year. He also held a series of trains, ordered a lot of model airplane glue and wrote bad poetry. Although I had not seen for several years, he emailed me periodically.? His main contact with the outside world, however, was through the Internet where pseudonyms used dubious and sent up or satirized forums internet.

In a parenting forum of an anxious parent reported that, to his horror, he found his daughter 13yr smoking. Members include useful suggestions and answers have been found Trailertrash asking if she was going out with cyclists or smoking in front of their children.

In a medical forum, Trousersnake, sympathized with the suffering of loss of libido, but are described in some detail how the offending medication (Lyrica) was having the opposite effect on him. Made it sound like bragging.

A missionary ship bound for Africa was imprisoned awaiting repairs in Newcastle, England. Eager to sail, the crew expressed frustration, through various posts, the lack of progress in the shipyard. As rinity T, Woodie good people warned that as the ship probably provided the only form of employment in that city, never be allowed to leave. In these circumstances, they should consider devoting his life to the conversion of the premises. His suggestion was not well received.

Visiting a sailing forum, as Captain Bligh RN, who published a design for a self-direction, which seemed very real, but it was complete nonsense. Several hundred members made the device and, oddly enough, some of them claimed that it worked. An unfortunate Sailor is used in the Pacific crossing and never heard from again.

By the way, if you are a member of the international forum PrayForMe, remove repentant the list of people who need their help. Like most of us can Woodie have worried about the stock market, but he was not saying billionaire be and do not require divine intervention in the choice of investments. Be generous brothers and sisters, and find some space in your hearts to forgive him.

If you happen across any of their suggestions for avoiding speeding fines or income tax, I would suggest that they ignore. At that time, some were very promising, but all the loopholes have been closed properly.

Children

Although I was scared and not his mother, Woodie was very loyal to her. In fact, when she was transferred to the infirmary, who visited the prison every month. She once told me that as a child entered a talent contest and sang a little song sentimental that he had heard on the radio:

M is for the million things she gave me
Or is it just that she is aging
T is the tears I shed to save me
H is for her heart of pure gold
I is for eyes shining forever
R is right and right that will always be
Put them all together spell MOTHER
A word that means everything to me.

Although the hearing, the judges and his mother, shook with laughter, Woodie was at the stage of confusion. Then, struggling to contain his amusement, a senior judge shouted:
Put them all together, spell MOTHER.
One word it makes no sense to me!

The audience collapsed in convulsions and Woodie fled the stage in tears. That was the end of his brief career entertainment. When her mother told me this, she was laughing and said, 'Little bug should have taken a bow. Could have won. "

Siblings? Yes, two older sisters. Like children, I think they liked him, but had a strange way of showing it. He once said he had a twin brother named Forrest. I was very excited and asked where was his twin brother. He offered to teach him. "Is it necessary to put in my shoes?" he asked. "No," responded, "Come on bare feet." Followed them to the bottom of the garden in which he showed great mound. Forrest is buried under there, "she whispered sadly, and then ran off laughing in the field of pig. I think that affected him badly.

The world education was not always kind to Woodie. On his first day, the teacher told the children that they were making a picture of something they liked. She handed the paper and pencils color and children with enthusiasm to the task. When they finished, she told them to put their names on their drawings and hand to mark them. Woodie, who had taken a picture Syringe good, his dog, waited in anticipation as the teacher looked at the various works of art. Then he showed them individually to the class and was clear that the quality of the artwork while working gradually improved through the stack. Finally, he reached the last picture and it had to be Woodie. "Now look carefully, the children," he ordered. To the delight of Woodie, who took the sketch of his beloved Squirts in front of the class. Then, for his horror, that broke the image into several pieces. "This is what happens when you do not put your name on your work."

Some years ago I asked if he had ever seen his father and he said he had met only once. His pa had appeared on a motorcycle outside the educational institution where Woodie was being renovated and asked permission to spend a couple of hours with your child. After a conference on emergency personnel, permission was granted and, precariously Woodie in the back seat, roaring out, by the wilderness. Later, leaning against a rock and enjoy a joint, long-lost on looked son for a while and then offered some words of wisdom. 'Listen kid, "he said," I always get nervous, take several deep breaths to calm encouragement. It always works with me. "Woodie thanked him for fatherly advice, but thought he would have preferred a helmet. With dusk falling, we ran back to school. As the doors closed behind him, Woodie turned and saw his father disappear into the sunset in a cloud of smoke. That was the last Any I once saw him. Woodie asked what his father looked like. I do not know, "he replied," I never took his glasses off. "

Woodie was never very safe or comfortable with the girls. His mother once told me that any decent girl would be hard pressed to find a romantic relationship with his son, although those who were not his exact words. He did, however, have a Brazilian penfriend called Lidjaine. He was learning English at the time and, after an exchange of letters, sent a lovely little poem he had written.

To Lidjaine

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
With his long flowing mane
and two identical eyes
I put my heart on fire.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I know it's not your fault
But one thing about you
It seems a bit crazy.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
I think it's a shame
Their parents did not call that
By another name.

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine
Oh please, can you explain
How do you pronounce
Your name clumsy looking for?

Lidjaine Lidjaine Lidjaine

She Never said it was a shame because he has good grades in English. For years, held a photo-bleaching pinned in their study with the letter Prince Charles (yes, living in London, England). More on that later.

Woodie never married and is probably best. A few years ago asked Santa Claus at the staff Christmas party at the sewage farm, where he worked as an inspector of sewers. With your fingers tattooed and hair disheveled, the children approached him with some trepidation to collect gifts. One of their cries of greeting was "Hello and when your mother gets out of jail?" For those who dared to answer that mother was not in jail, he shouted "That's great news! So you have left out in time for Christmas!" The next year hired a professional actor for this role.
Despite its failure as a young singer Woodie never abandoned his dream of becoming a famous composer. From time to when he sent me the lyrics of the songs he had written and asked me to put a song for them. I got tired of it and just kept sending the same melody, but Woodie was too busy writing new songs to notice.

I guess he must have written more than three hundred songs. The last sent me I could try, try, try again. seemed appropriate. He liked to write country music: Marriage is tomorrow but tonight the honeymoon, She stole my heart, my hat and my horse, so he sent me were only found here a number of well known country singers, but its agents ignored him. Personally, I found it quite disturbing. Here's the chorus:

I see a man with my wife
I see a man living my life
I see a man with my girl
If I had a gun that had burst into hell.
But I'll just be here alone
I will be here on my own
I'll be here out of town
I'll be here – six feet down.

animal lovers have not shown the letters to bring your dog to the right. It only takes a verse to see why:

Oh, I love my dog to pieces
To really cure the sadness,
But I need your ass every After meeting
His disorder stuck in shoes.

Inventions. There was a theme close to the heart of Woodie, if not his brain. Some of his ideas ruined belief, but you can take in a day. For example, developed an air bag for use with a motorcycle (too late to travel in the desert), and there was the car which could be driven from the back seat. His other major contribution to road safety was a sharp steel spike stuck in the middle of a wheel and the driver goes to the heart. Instead of lower risk, was the rocking chair aside for use as a means of training to cure sickness. Then there was the harmonica was played in a gust of wind. Another project consisted of homemade fireworks. Using a recipe of explosives found on the Internet, a hat designed to fire rockets and showed that on Halloween. Despite Woodie lost most of his hair, hat neighbors considered a resounding success. He blamed the confusing instructions – Parts of them in Arabic. Also I remember the baby bed cage that was something that parents can use to protect their infants in bed. If one or both parents turned in junior rods cage were strong enough to withstand the weight of two obese adults. As I said before, that was probably the best we had no father to the children.

The explosion was not the only time Woodie diced with danger. Stumbled into the forbidden castle or something, a forum to celebrate the beauty of young models and actresses. The type of forum to post sad things guys like "OMG I love her and want to marry her one day!" Woodie added comments like: "Well, I just I want to come and play with my compositions in my den. or "Hey, that looks like my favorite niece, Jolene!". When I said that, I hit the ceiling. I told him stay away from those things. Just do not know who is on these sites. The Internet is a dangerous place, even for individuals who have a train set and say what say. Now that I think, I do not remember a niece named Jolene.

Earlier, I mentioned a letter from Prince Charles. In fact, the assistant wine list Prince's staff, but had the correct address on it and all the trimmings. Apparently, some years ago Prince Charles had an accident. Maybe I was playing polo or involved in some kind of horse game, but spent the night in a hospital National Health Service. This was a modest target care to the wounded King-to-be but was treated with great skill and the story was picked up by the international press. Woodie is the idea that it was a state institution providing care basic health for the homeless, and some in the UK would agree. He wrote a letter to Prince Charles expressed his sympathy for injury and suggesting that got any health insurance from Blue Cross. The return letter thanked him for his concern and assured him that the Prince had recovered completely. Woodie was very proud of that letter. As discussed below, may have been his first, but not his last contact with royalty.

To someone who probably had never seen the sea, Woodie was very interested in ships and was delighted when he sent a photo of the SS Romance, an oxide cube on which I worked. One day, he took the picture where he was trapped under his Lidjaine loved and, after being scanned, began to lose time using Photoshop. Which altered the mast, extended the funnel, add some extra portholes, disguised with the name and then put it in an international forum for lovers the vessel. As Neptune, asked forum members to help him identify and apply their knowledge and skills necessary for this task with great enthusiasm. The nationality of ship has been the subject of much discussion and, according to experts, was owned in various ways by Norway, Israel, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Poland. One member was adamant that he could see a star of David into the funnel, while another member insisted that the pattern was caused by some radio antennas. The two became very argumentative on this point and had to be restrained by a moderator. When asked to describe where the photo was taken, Woodie replied that he had seen the mystery ship in Antarctica. Excited by this news, experts embarked on another line of investigation, but was one that has led to more arguments. By the time the subject had reported up to 2,500 visitors, Woodie decided to drop anchor. He returned to his original post and replaced with genuine fake photo. The arguments running in a few days and then someone new to the topic asked what the fuss is about. In his view, it was perfectly obvious to any fool that the ship was the SS romantic the name was clearly painted on the bow. Some of the self-proclaimed experts were outraged and demanded the immediate expulsion of Neptune. One member was injured angry especially because had paid a lab to work on the picture to reveal the name of the ship. When crossing the Australian desert to do so, his car had broken down and went for a walk a couple of days before being rescued.

After this, Woodie tried to spread an urban myth in which the government blocked the publication of a report comparing the personalities of criminals and police. In a study of 16 different characters, no significant differences between the two populations were discovered. Now can you imagine that anyone would believe such a thing? As Trailerskunk, soon got tired of asking the addict to sites where I could get some suppositories marijuana: "I need a bullet-shaped preparation that I can place where the sun does not shine and the cops will not." A little to his annoyance, he found this type of product that actually exists and was highly recommended, which took the wind from their sails. Later, when IllegalAlien, presented observations of UFOs the National Information Center. "Driving north on I-440, I observed the night sky a cigar-shaped object with a long row of windows flashing lights and down to earth. The helicopter landed in a field east of Little Rock. Nobody seemed to realize that this event occurs about 150 times a day in Little Rock, but was starting to lose interest. Then came the Nigerian scammers on your computer and you must have lived to regret it.

Like most people who use the Internet, Woodie had its fair share of fraudulent emails, especially the kind that appear in the inbox and that things like:
Dear Friend
It is in the heart of hope that I write to request your assistance in the context below. I Genza Munga, the first child Munga the late MKO, a philanthropist and the winner of the alleged June 12, 1993 presidential election, who died in the custody of President Gen Obanithe Inje former members of the Democratic Republic of Nigeria. I know you will be amazed at how I got your contact, but it was after a careful search in my late father files I saw your contact, I have no doubt of his willingness to assist me in receiving into your custody (for safety) the sum of forty-eight million five hundred thousand United States dollars (U.S. $ 48.5 m) has chosen and placed in my favor by my late father. ……… And so on.

There are several ways to address these applications. One was to create an email address that included the name of the sender. Thus, in the previous example would become genzamunga@whatever.com and rebuke the court for stealing both their name and scam. It would threaten to send the heavy mob, "Because I know that hide. "Other times, however, he would agree to collect the cash dollars or personal family jewels and keep the rate of release of U.S. $ 1,000 in cash.

One spin-off of these fraudulent emails was that increased their geographical knowledge of the world considerably without departing from the trailer. He became quite knowledgeable about the countries of Africa, Holland, and the streets of Amsterdam in particular. Often bothered to investigate the costs and time Flights from New York to Amsterdam. Naturally, one would expect a driver and car to meet him at the airport and the driver had to withstand a large card with the word Squirts. Jet, of course, was long dead. Woodie, but he had never forgotten his only true friend. At its meeting of scammers, usually selected the event he describes as follows:

Go to the bar of amnesia in the Herengracht. The music is not in boxes, but the coffee is good and the other customers will be too busy enjoying the smoke to notice us. I was carrying a violin case vacuum that can be thrown into a nearby canal, if we go to another place to talk business. See you at the table next to the entrance to the bathroom.

He said that sometimes managed to arrange meetings with several different scammers at the same time and sat in his trailer imagining all threading their way through the smoke to sit at the same table at the entrance to the bathroom.
I knew he had been involved with this sort of nonsense, because he had begun to introduce certain phrases in e-mails that sent me phrases he had picked of his newfound friends, such as:

Thank you and God bless you please extend my greetings to your family.

WHAT?

Anyway, my friend.

Then came the fateful day when the queen entered cyberspace Woodie Shonekan is. It was the usual type of scam with the promise of 30% of 9 million dollars deposited by her late father (the country's interim president first) in a South African bank. At first he played all usual tricks waste of time and was honored for his quaint spelling, for example, massage instead of the message. "Oh Queen, how I hope that massage to come. "With the help of a schedule of the airways, he found a flight that sounded plausible: SAA235 to Johannesburg, arriving on September 6 at 7.25 am local time. He apologized for his early arrival – deliberately scheduled for the middle of rush hour peak in Africa. Somewhat to his surprise, I booked a queen room Shonekan in the Road Lodge Hotel not far from the airport and given a reservation number. Out of curiosity, Woodie check book and found it to be genuine. However, of course, he was still back home in his trailer when the driver and his assistant appeared at the airport to welcome him. Shonekan Queen began to panic:

I am writing to ask what is actually happening. You are presented. I even sent a massage to you. Kindly reply to ease my mind. I'm waiting on the Road Lodge Hotel and I am so worried. Please do not destroy my life and future.

A massage after the message of forgiveness, Woodie said his driver and the assistant had been arrested at the airport and was in serious trouble. It was at this point that Woodie began to feel guilty. His excuse for missing the flight was a lame, but the queen was swallowed. Then email your ideas on how they could escape the building and avoid being captured by South African police. Finally, received the good news that he had taken up his suggestion of hiding in a rubbish skip, so she had to say been transported free of charge, an industry peak not far from the center of the city. After that, they began to exchange messages, and even the occasional picture. No doubt, the queen Shonekan was an attractive woman and the picture soon replaced by that of Lidjaine on the wall of his den.

When Woodie told me all this, he urged to be cautious for Queen Shonekan may not be a real female monarch. In fact, it could become a six-foot man weighing 180 pounds, a second job as bodyguards when he was not sitting in an Internet cafe. But it did not help, but I was hooked, and even emails suddenly stopped, spoke anything other than the African Queen. He even wrote to his mother and asked her to talk some sense into him, but the response I received was a shock. Woodie had disappeared from the trailer park and no one knew of his whereabouts. I could not believe he had gone to South Africa to be with the Queen Shonekan, although there was always a possibility I had. It was a complete mystery.

So the months passed and there was no word of Woodie. Then, while visiting friends in the U.S., it occurred to me passing the trailer park where he lived and went in an old, sitting on a bench in the sun, said Woodie trailer, now occupied by another family. I asked if he agreed my cousin. 'Remember him? " he replied: "I do not ever forget it. As sure as hell, that guy was connected to the moon. Most people around here but I avoided him scary. About a year ago, only took off one night and never returned. There was an African lady with him. Fine looking woman too. I do not know what was in it, but it takes all kinds. "

We sat there sharing a beer and watching people in their work in park. "It is not the only person who has been here looking for it," he continued. I asked what the other visitor appeared. "There is a visitor," replied, "A bloody gang of them all. The police cars all over the place, the special agents in the trees, loud hailers, weapons in hand. I had afraid of my mind! We had guys in the drug squad, the IRS, the agency for child protection, the immigration service. Whatever, they were there. In fact, they discovered he had left, were arguing over who had to snatch. Do you know that Woodie had a small train set? After they searched his trailer, some of them sat outside and play with him. The others were going through a big stack of magazines and it took a long time. I guess that there was something hidden there. The IRS maintains two boys sniffing some cans. I'll never know what that guy was doing, but they were not legal. "

As he was leaving the trailer park that afternoon, I felt a warm inner glow. Cruise down the road, which broke out in a song by Bob Dylan, was one of Woodie's favorites:

"The ants are my friends, are blowing in the wind
The ants are blowing in wind. '

Woodie, if you read this, I wish you and your African Queen as well. Have a long and happy life together. No need to send me another e-mail mail. In fact, I'd be very happy if you never touch another computer or surf the Internet again.

About the Author

Tony Crowley March 2009  see wiki

Sheds Newcastle